things seem so different now. even when you turn back to the same familiar faces. and continue the same routine that life puts infront of you. something has changed.

maybe its time.
maybe its me.
maybe its him.
or the others.

the music is the same.

the music has always spoken those same words

i feel so full sometimes. so amazing. life is amazing. i enjoy life alot more than i used to. i want to live it.

but other times i cant avoid what gets me. i cant avoid that seeping guilty pain. i become smuthered with the very smoke i use as a vice. but i cant get a grip of it. i try to catch it in my lungs. and it always leaves.

and at times i feel like things where meant to be. but they arent. im just repeating the same old fucking mistakes i always make. i always find myself in the same situation every day of over year. and he makes it seem ok. but i doubt that it really is.

her death is haunting me. i keep having dreams. i dont know how to confront it. i dont know how to cope with my mothers death. its been months. and is still cant breathe in that god damn house. i can smell her decaying body. it haunts me. i feel her behind me. disgusted with everything i do. like she has always been.

jake is something else too. i dont know what to do.

but i catch myself thinking...

maybe people tell me not to do something for my own good. but doing whats good for you isnt always whats right for you. i know that doesnt make sense. but with people. with relationships. with love. it does. because whats right and whats good are two different things. and i dont know which to chose.

im tired of making other people happy. im tired of having to prove myself. im tired of having to be "better". i just want to do what i feel like i should do. what i want to do. what i think i need to do.